Todays blog post is not much of a lengthy post. More a heartfelt note, from me to you. Because I know how it feels to be 'in recovery' for what feels like an ultramarathon with no end. Where you appear to be 'living' but always with a caveat. Where you seem to be showing up with a smile, functioning in life, seemingly 'normal', if there is such a thing? Yet 'you' know, when being true to yourself, you still haven't let go of your eating disorder. I guess I do not have the answers. I think what I have learnt on this quest however (I say quest instead of journey for the reason I am about to explain) is that maybe there is no finish line. Maybe it will be a decision you make every day, to choose recovery over and over again. But with time I know this, the irrational and eating disorder thoughts will slowly become quieter and less frequent. One day you will not have that one thought that holds you back, or that one behavior you wish you could stop engaging with. Or that feeling of needing to hold onto the identity you found yourself in with your eating disorder. But your timeline will be different from all those you see on Instagram, so please do not compare whatever you do. It may not look how you wished, but it doesn't mean better days wont happen.
It is ok to be frustrated, it is ok to feel discouraged. I still occasionally find myself shouting in my head 'Jen just let go of trying to control'. But if it were that easy, recovery wouldn't be such an enduring marathon that it is. I think sometimes it is important for us to remember that just because we have been so very brave and chose recovery - it does not mean everything vanishes in a few months, or even a few years, like some fairy tale ending you may see in the movies. It is messy, confusing and sometimes you feel unsure whether you are even 'living recovery', or if you are just half ass-ing your way along. But you are not - it is happening exactly as it is meant to. It is happening and it all matters and it is all guiding you somewhere, wherever somewhere may be. Trust that - your fairy tale may not look like the one in movies, but it is kind of cool to know you have become the brave fighter you are without being saved by a Prince Charming. This is it, living through recovery, it is yours and no one can take that away. It is your very own unique fairy tale.
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December 2023
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